Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Welcome to Wicked Wednesday!

So, my best friend told me about having one set day a week where you do the same thing in your blog. A little weekly ritual. I'm doing Wicked Wednesdays. Every Wednesday, I'll write about something incredibly wicked that's happened to me, and I will pretend that everyone cares. Ready, set, go.

In that rather gloomy looking picture is myself and my ex. Please don't be taken aback by the angle of the picture making me look like a tranny. I promise, all girly parts are and always have been there. A bit of back story on the ex-lover and I :

Him - awkward chubby dude that lived in the building across from my apartment in Las Vegas.
Me - Obviously stunning girl that thought he was totally interested in my best friend.

Him - Ridiculously good at very literally charming the pants off of anyone.
Me - Very willing to take my pants off.

Him - 23 (at the time) and living with some grody dudes, selling pot and living the high life (ha! puns!)
Me - 17 (at the time) and living with my roommate, doing practically any drug given to me and not really thinking much about the penis I allowed myself to enjoy INCREDIBLY frequently.

Him - Able to con me into caring while being the most horrible fucking boyfriend ever.
Me - Refusing to recognize what a dick face he was being, and continuing to make myself find things to love him for.

That about sums it up, at least for the beginning of our relationship. I wasn't able to drink at the bars he went to because I was underage, he didn't want to spend time in the sandbox with a child, etc, so we never shared the same activities. We also never shared the same ideals, ie monogomy. Which is ironic, considering that it was him that wanted to make everything exclusive. Funny how that works. Anyway, we had a baby together 6 years ago. Her name is Rhyann Krystine Dana and she is seriously the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen in my life. We split 4 years ago and some change, and I left where we lived and moved out of state sans child. This all gets complicated, and I will save it for another wicked Wednesday, I promise (incentive to stay tuned!). Anyway, he's kept her hidden from me with the help of his girlfriend and family. I have been damn near destitute and have had to wait to be able to afford a lawyer, and I eventually did. I pushed for joint custody, and ex lover brought out the big guns: money. With said cash (from another family member, because he can't do things on his own), he filed a motion to have my parental rights taken away. Aaaaaaand, now I'm prepared to officially go into a Wicked Wednesday post.

I spoke to my lawyer on Monday, because we had yet to hear from ex-lover's lawyer, and we were set for court on Tuesday. Since I made the decision to relinquish my parental rights, I have been stressing over whether or not I need to appear in court. I didn't, and James even managed to get ex-lover's lawyer to appear in court for both of them (himself and my lawyer), which saves me a bunch of skrill and saves my lawyer a ton of time. Both good things in my book. So, the end result of the conversation was James telling me that in 30 days, give or take, this fiasco will all be O-V-E-R. Of course, that means more bad things than good things. I will no longer be allowed any kind of access to my daughter. While I've had to literally beg for photos and phone calls and any kind of information over the last four years, at least Iwould eventually get it if I persisted enough. Now, I won't even have that. Ex-love is the kind of man that does things out of spite, and his spite will burn your fucking face off. I know I won't even get so much as an update. I won't be acknowledged as even her birth mother. Again, this is par for the course. I'm used to it, though it doesn't mean I like it or have accepted it. I've just grown accustomed and been quietly irked for fear that ex-lover and his lovely familia would decide to shut me out completely. No, instead little miss yokel herself will continue her charade parade, and everybody will be fine with that.

Since the final stages are drawing to a close in hardly the fashion I had imagined, I decided that I needed to make a few things clear to Ex-Lover and his slack ass of a girlfriend. So, I wrote them a letter that I am having sent over with all of the finalized paperwork, and it goes a little something like this :

Ex-Lover –

This is it. You win. I am refusing to let my parental rights be forcibly taken from me, and I will instead relinquish them on my own. But there are some things that I want you to hear, because I know the second this is over you will never again speak to me or keep me in any kind of loop. Why would you, when you haven’t for the last four years when I had my parental rights? I’m sure you’ll be thrilled to be rid of me. Shame on you, Ex-Lover. Shame on you. You are a disgraceful human being, and it gives me no joy in knowing you are the father of my child. I have spent the last 7 years loving you for every reason I could think of, but I have no love for you left. Not even for being the man I had my first child with. There is no valor or honor or courage in the exhibition you have put forth the last four years. The motion you set in court is the icing on the cake, and while I will not be glad to no longer have the possibility of Rhyann, I will be grateful to be rid of you and your childish behavior. You are selfishly motivated, and I know in my heart that this isn’t truly about Rhyann, this is about you and me. Ironically, you ‘believe’ that my wanting joint custody of Rhyann was all about money. It is obscene to me that you could first make that judgment on my character and motivations when you know full well that’s not the case, and secondly have the absolute audacity to say this is about money when you are having someone else pay for this so you can outspend me. And you know I’m broke, you make several references to my lack of financial freedom. And I do not have the money to fight this battle. It is a consolation and almost laughable that you don’t, either. Were you a decent, hard working man that could fight his own fight without resorting to someone else with deep pockets doing it for you, I’m sure this would be a different matter altogether. But the fact is, you’re not. I shudder thinking about my daughter growing up in a house bankrupt of morals. I hope that the best of me takes over in Rhyann, and she doesn’t grow up to be like you; Content to have someone else shoulder her burdens for the rest of her life. You’re 31 years old. When are you going to grow up and take care of things yourself instead of relying on others to do it for you? Is this really the example you want to set for not just our daughter, but the other children in the home as well? You give yourself too much credit when you say you take care of Rhyann 100% of the time. The state takes care of her. You and NewishYokel Girlfriend are just glorified babysitters, and until you recognize that it takes honesty and making tough decisions and doing things you don’t want to do so your family can survive, that is all you will be. And I know that you’re fine with that, you always have been. And I hope when you’re on your boat and taking your vacations and doing whatever ridiculous things you do with your scores of free time because you can’t get a real job like everyone else that you think about the sacrifice other people have given so you can enjoy living off of the system.

I hope you think about the other things you are imparting on our daughter, as well: A lack of enjoyment for anything scholastic, simply because it is not something that you and Newish Yokel Girlfriend can do. It’s not your fault the two of you are borderline illiterate, I suppose, but you don’t seem to be driven to change that, and I have no hope that it’s something you want our daughter to overlap you on. For the record, Rhyann was still not reading the last I talked to her. At 6 years old. That’s disgraceful, and truly shows lack of effort on your part. My son is 2 and is right on the cusp of reading. Do you know why? Because I work at it. You are free to vilify me all you want, and I know you have. The truth of the matter is, I’m a good mother, and I want my children to surpass my every accomplishment. I hope that our daughter inherits that from me naturally, because you are not setting a good example for it yourself. I am fairly positive that you will do your best to forget about me the second this is over, and Newish Yokel Girlfriend will go ahead and adopt the daughter that I gave birth to. I can only imagine the things you will justify this with. But I can assure you, as I always have, that my actions are not about me not wanting my daughter, or about not wanting to pay. You have pushed me into this corner because you know money is the one thing I can’t fight back with. If this were about the law, there is no question about the interference you have bogged me and my daughter’s relationship with, to the extent where Horribly Backwards and Not Well Liked Step-father, who went ahead and put his hand in this lovely little cookie jar, told me himself that when you found out he was sneaking me pictures and information that he was no longer welcomed in your home, and that you also cut him off from Rhyann. I can’t imagine why he would lie to me about that if you truly wanted me to have access to my daughter and her daily life. To having your own mother tell me, when I needed your address to get papers served to you, that she couldn’t go behind your back and give your address to me. You know what truly happened here, so congratulations if you can fool everyone else. But I know the truth, you know the truth, and one day our daughter will as well.

While I may be begrudgingly signing my rights away and giving Newish Yokel Girlfriend the freedom to adopt Rhyann, I hope the both of you remember that no signature can take away from me the fact that I gave birth to her, and I will always be her mother. No matter what paper says, no signature in the world can change the fact that you had Rhyann with me, not Newish Yokel Girlfriend. No lies that you tell Rhyann about Newish Yokel Girlfriend being her real mom will change that, either. And because of that, Rhyann will grow up and look more and more like me, and this will mean that you have to look me and your grievously sinful actions in the face day after day. I hope you are prepared to live with that.

I have sacrificed so much just so I could come this far and be forced to throw in the towel. My great-grandmother, whose death you saw me mourn and watched me while I cried, left me the money I used to pay for my lawyer, and I made up the balance. That money was intended for me to use for my wedding, or my schooling, or buying a house. I gave all of that up so I could be reunited with my daughter, and your underhanded selfishness has ripped that away from me. Be satisfied, because your happiness will not last long. I have paid the price for my mistakes, and I will continue to pay for them by not being able to even HOPE about Rhyann living with me ever again. But I have every faith that God will turn my pain and my sacrifices into something glorious, and I will have something good to show for what I’ve done. I also have every faith that Rhyann will come looking for me one day, because she will remember, and she will find out that I am her birth mother, even if you do your best to hide it. The truth has a funny way of surfacing, and when it does…it will be your turn to reap what you have sown. Enjoy your shallow, heartless victory, and enjoy your new life free of someone else having the audacity to try and share Rhyann’s. That part is over for you.

Even though I know you will wipe me out of your thoughts, I will continue to hope the full brunt of what you have done will weigh heavily on your heart, and I hope that you and Shila both think of me every single day for the rest of your lives. I will continue to hope that you will soon realize I started this out trying to play fair. I bided my time and did the best I could with the circumstances I had, and all I asked for was not even 50 percent of Rhyann’s time. I asked to be informed of everything that went on with my daughter, and you cruelly told me that you didn’t think I needed to know. I had to go to court to get your address, and you know I have had no idea where you lived. Sleep well covered in your lies, and continue to build foundations for yourself and your family on laziness, lack of courage, and a sorely underdeveloped sense of right and wrong. I will continue to work hard, earn everything I own, trust in God, and love my daughter fiercely.

So, that's the mark I want to officially end the 'relationship' that ex-lover and I had. His continued actions for the last four plus years have been extremely wicked, and I'm sure he will take up my Wicked Wednesdays for years to come.

So, to sum up. Today's Wicked Action : Being forced to give up my daughter. Today's way of coping with it : Not applicable.

Until next Wednesday!

Author's Note : I realize that I am leaving out huge, huge chunks of the story. They will surface, I promise. But I would have to write an entire novel to get it all out in one sitting. Any questions, go ahead and ask!!! I'm fairly open about all of this, and please don't be put off by my attempts at humor to diffuse what is other wise a heartbreaking situation. It's the only way for me to pull through without breaking down every ten seconds.

This situation is why I started this in the first place, so please. If you're going through a similar situation, now is the time to commiserate and find comfort and understanding you might not get anywhere else.

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