Songs to make love to your old lady by

So, I’m pretty sure I’ve made this clear already, but I have a vagina. My particular model is an oldie but a goodie, and comes equipped with several features. Most of the features are completely awesome and make it totally worthwhile (the 2 minute orgasm is a crowd favorite and always will be), but the one feature I HATE? Ridiculously stupid romantic ideals. I didn’t sign up for this, I’m pretty sure it’s not listed anywhere in the warranty guide, and about 5 years ago, I decided I had had enough of my vaginal emotions and their pesky bullshit, so while I couldn’t put them away and be done with them completely, I opted for a tune up.

I wish I could stop talking about my vagina like an appliance.

Truth of the matter.

I used to be stupid idealistic. I wanted what most women and all men want; a happy ending (except a lady’s happy ending will never involve massage oil and a tiny Korean that speaks no English). I wanted my prince charming to whisk me away and say romantic things and buy me flowers and basically fill my life with tender snippets that I would one day lovingly share with my grandchildren as we sat on our wrap around veranda staring at the glorious sunsets of Prince Edward Island (I was a HUGE Anne of Green Gables Fan, ok? It’s the only reason I ever saw myself winding up in Canada) and drinking homemade tea. The crapshoot is, for awhile I actually had a man who was just as fucking lame as I was. He told me we were soul mates and he bought me flowers and put them in wacky places to surprise me and he played me music on his guitar because he was just so fucking sensitive and now I’m beginning to think HE had a vagina. Anyway, long story short, that blew up in my face and started me down a steady, unwavering path of being an outwardly jaded whore that is actually seriously squishy on the inside.

Before John and I were together, and during, and for a little while after, my love song of choice that I felt was the epitome of what love should feel like was Elton John’s The One. Don’t judge me, I still love that song. I was listening to it one day with my mom and she looks at me and goes, who do you think of when you hear this song? I screwed up my silly brains and pinched my face with concentration and said “Not a damn soul.” And that’s when I decided that my ideals needed to go away, because they were bothering me.

And they did.

I am now ideal free, which is nice. Not to say I don’t have dreams and standards, because I love the main squeeze more than anything and I do not for a second feel like I’ve compromised or something better might be floating around out there somewhere, waiting for me. I know there isn’t.

And now to the juice!

Today’s subject is……….is……..IS…….

A REAL LIFE LOVE SONG FOR REAL LIFE PEOPLE

Featuring:




Song : Abusing the Rib

This song is jealous and imperfect and intense and everything that a real love song should be. The first time I heard it, the main squeeze told me he was putting it on a CD for me and that he thought of me when he listened to it now. This was before he was the official main squeeze and he was just my main guy friend that I harbored fairly intense feelings for. This song has a hook like you wouldn’t believe, and very possibly one of the best lines of love song history.

This is not your typical love song, so if you are looking for the smooth stylings of…uh…some romantic crooner, you’re going to be shocked when you hear this. It’s turbulent and moody and dark and possessive and incredibly raw and it is a staple of my listening collection. To me, THIS is how love feels. It feels angry and bitter and complex and hateful and consuming, and that’s completely the tone set by this song. It’s all wrapped up in this “I fucking love you so much” packaging that is hard to resist.

If you have a problem with thinking that most love songs are just candy coated versions of a story land that will never exist for you, give Atmosphere a try. It’s good shit, and I feel pretty ok with using this song as one of the primary songs that defines my relationship with the main squeeze.

Songs to make love to your old lady by

Because I have such an aversion to the words 'make' and 'love' next to each other in a sentence, I find it super important to say that I am making an exception for my new attempt at a weekly blog thing. I thought that was the most hilarious CD title ever.

Anyway. I was in the car this morning belting out Billy Joel with my two year old (for your information, we were singing Go To Extremes, possibly my favorite Billy Joel song in the entire world. The Boy has heard it four times, and he can already sing it with me. He's amazing) when I realized how very important music is to me. Granted, I don't play anything, though if I listen to a song a few times, I can pretty much play it on the piano...thanks for the help, Yanni!....but I do sing. And I sing really, REALLY well. If I couldn't sing one day, I would almost want to kill myself. Tidbit the first.

Tidbit the second.

I find myself so fucking often playing my own soundtrack. For instance, when my fiance proposed to me, I instantly played this song in my head :


And I do it ALL. THE. TIME.

Listening to music and finding situations to relate it to is the primary vein that keeps my life pumping.

It is with that thought in mind that I want to start featuring a song every week (obviously one that I love, duh) and talking about what I relate it to. I do this with two hopes : One, to totally fucking spread the love. This is music I adore, and I love when people adore things I treasure.

This week, I will feature....drumroll, please......


TOTALLY FORBIDDEN PASSION OF THE LOINS

Starring :


The song : Hysteria

I am too lame to figure out how to add the song to the blog, so look it up, because it's completely worth it. Without further ado.

So, yes. I am in a committed, loving, radical relationship with a man that fills me to bursting with love (and not like, the kind of love you keep in your tummy. He does that too, but that's not what I mean). He's everything I want and more and yadda yadda yadda.

But DUDE. A girl crushes. It isn't often, but when a crush comes around, I get completely fucking swept up in it. Mostly because when I DO crush, I crush on someone that I am damn near positive is full of reciprocation for my wanton lust. I am usually positive enough to flirt (really hard and incredibly obviously), but unsure enough to bother my nearest and dearest with "do you think this means he thinks I'm hot?". To be quite honest, crushes for me are gone immediately after finding out where their interest level truly lies, and this is for two reasons. Reason 1: Whoever heard of a requited crush? Nobody, because those are called relationships. If they're into me, I am no longer into them. The buck stops there. The game isn't fun anymore once you win, though basking in the glow of knowing you're freaking awesome and people still want to lay you down and tap that ass is a wicked prize. So, if I find out they really are crushin' right back, I feel cheated out of a good, hard crush and wind up resenting them.

I'm sort of twisted.

Reason Two : If they DON'T like me, yes it's a safer crush to continue, but I am usually too busy drowning in my own ugly pity party to care that nothing would ever happen. And then I usually tell myself they're gay, because this girl is dealing with some SERIOUS issues of denial.

So, I chose this song for my last serious crush that ended almost a year ago, because it's the most possibly devastating crush of my crushing career. He drove me fucking WILD, and during a particularly nasty dry spell between the main squeeze and I, I threw myself into his compliments and nervousness around me and got wrapped up in it so hard I damn near lost my mind. I cannot listen to Hysteria without thinking of him for a second, and it's always during the last six lines. I really had to reign myself in on this crush, because I think if I had been so inclined, I could have taken it to places WAY worse than public displays of juvenile flirtations. I was at a low point of my relationship, and I believe that this particular crush could have broken it if I had tried to do anything about it.

So there you have it. I don't know the relationship status of everyone who reads this, but I do know that most people go through rough patches in their relationship. You feel ugly, unappreciated, unwanted, and all around miserable. But you're a person of high moral fiber and you can't physically cheat because you love your partner. So you do the next best thing and crush. And when your next seriously monumental, could-be-the-bane-of-your-relationship crush comes along, listen to this song and think about them. I sure as fuck did, and this song will always be one of the sexiest in my shuffles because of it.