Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Songs to make love to your old lady by - Featuring THE MAIN SQUEEZE!

So, a week ago, the main squeeze asked if he could do a STMLTYOLB post. And I was delighted. I will return next week!

Sweet, gentle reader!

I would say this is a pleasant surprise, but chances are, you've been here before. Mayhap it is a pleasant surprise to you, that you get to meet me, the Main Squeeze, or maybe you're already prepared to send increasingly disturbing and possibly pornographic threats in the form of comments on the bottom of the page. Either way, I hope you're ready to be transported back to a magical land when you were nineteen years old and only somewhat wondering if you've already developed the sort of alcoholism that either makes you an excellent poet or homeless. That is, my intrepid blog surfing companion, the reason why I've chosen to write about Bayside's song "Masterpiece" for today's Songs to Make Love to Your Old Lady By. Because it's the song that would TOTALLY be your life anthem if you were 19 and interested in sobriety only when you were wasted.

(this guy has no interest in anything but YOUR sobriety, because that means you have more money to feed his habit)

Most of us have been there before, but let me set the stage for you... You wake up at 6:30 in the morning, still drunk, laid out under a ping pong table with someone else's shoes on, a 40oz of malt liquor duct taped to one hand, the imprint of your cell phone's keypad pressed into your cheek from when you fell asleep drunk dialing, a full body soreness that just cannot be explained, and crude drawings of penii all over your forehead. It's usually right about this time, or maybe slightly later when you're trying to scrub marker off your face with the "cleanest" dish rag in the kitchen, that you decide to swear off of alcohol entirely. You're sick of waking up and feeling like crap. You hate that your friends would mess with you because you have the alcohol tolerance of a small child. It's time to grow up. You're 19 for pete's sake! And as you stumble out to the bus stop you put Bayside on your discman and sing it in your head as if you wrote it yourself.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I've just jumped headfirst into the pensive of your brain and splashed all your memory fluids onto the internet for everyone to read.

(exactly like this, only with more internet porn pop ups)

You might be feeling vulnerable and alone, but take heart, we're all here with you. You see, most people go through a phase like this in their lives. It's not always with substances that can be easily abused, but think of it as the time in your life where you figure out your limits. For instance, I happen to know that I can listen to 2.176 Dave Matthews Band songs per gallon of rubbing alcohol ingested. The point is that music and drinking fit together perfectly. So when you get the idea that drinking heavily might not be a good thing, it is quite ironic that the idea seems to have more conviction when you're completely smashed.

In a strangely complimentary way, this song reminds me of the period of time just before and at the very beginning of my relationship with my sweetums. It was a snapshot of exactly how I was feeling about my life. I felt like I should have known better than to equate being surrounded by people as not being lonely, or to equate being hammered as not being depressed. Okay so I wasn't 19 at the time... still, it makes me both sad and happy when I hear it occasionally. I remember the crushing feeling of wanting to change but not letting myself, and now that we've been together for almost 5 years now, I can see that changing isn't as hard as all that. Sometimes it just happens. Other times you have to wake up with a crudely drawn dick on your cheek. Either way, you can still sing this song like you wrote it.

And that, you cuddly ball of internet savvy, is why you can make love to your old lady to Bayside's "Masterpiece". Just remember to bring your journal, and have your big brother or sister get you some Steel Reserve so that you can immerse yourself nipples deep in the lukewarm waters of memory. Goodbye, new friends of mine!

Main "Once flexed His Biceps so Hard That YOU Popped a Blood Vessel" Squeeze

1 comment:

  1. Hahahaha, oh my GOD.

    After reading this, I just wanted to let you know that I am honored to call you and Allen my best friends.

    I don't know if I would have ever heard the word "penii" if I'd never met you.

    You've changed my life forever.