Wednesday, April 21, 2010

STMLTYOLB Wednesday...it's not just for kids anymore!!

I am a saucy lady (or minx, if you’re beyond the puddle).

Having this status, it should go without saying that I very much enjoy what shall henceforth be referred to as “putting the moves on the main squeeze”. In turn, I also like when he busts out the sex magnet and sucks me in. You are free to take those two phrases as his wang and going down south, respectively.

But this is about me, as a saucy lady, and what things I enjoy doing.

Strike that.

First, it’s about things I do NOT enjoy.

As a saucy lady, I am not without a high number of sex partners. It’s unfortunate that saucy ladies can be mistaken as common place whores, hookers, sluts, skanks, whatever name you choose for those girls who have a cave for a vagina, and probably lost people in it that are still spelunking unplundered depths to this very day…keeping clear of the various STD stalagmites littering the area. You know who I mean. Floozies. Tarts. Streetwalkers. My best friend’s mother-in-law. I am not one of those ladies. My ladybits are a treasure to behold; they practically sparkle with glory and freshness. As I was saying. Yes, I have slept around with my fair share of men. And probably yours, as well. But I had standards, and I was safe. Now that you have about as much info on my good girl as my gynecologist, I can continue.

A surprising number of men that I have engaged in coitus with operated under a serious misnomer: Women want to be wooed and charmed and made to feel like this isn’t a cheap one night stand. WRONG. If a woman goes home with you after you’ve been doing the ritual bar sexy flirtation dance, you are in for a fast drive to Mack Town. There is no need for wine, or sweet nothings, or atmospheric music….just some sweet, sweet nape kissing and a deft hand. A sweet apartment doesn’t hurt your cause, either….because I’ve been to a few squalid hellholes where the festering germs unite to tell me to get the fuck out while I’m parasite free. To sum up: no wooing, no charms (obviously they were laid on thick enough in the beginning of the evening…This is not a Mr. America pageant.) AND NO MUSIC.

I cannot tell you how many times a guy has been wearing his smug knows he’s about to get laid face, asking me what kind of music “does it for me”. Silence. That kind of music does it for me. Listening to music when I’m supposed to be listening to your throaty songs of passion kills the mood that we painstakingly created earlier. It doesn’t make me feel giddy inside, it makes me want to be sick all over your over-eager beaver smile.

That being said, however, there have been a few instances where I’ve needed the sultry sounds of something other than my pre-coital purring to keep those embers blazing. And I have ONE SONG. One.

Touch yourself today to……..

THE SEXIEST SONG EVER CREATED, OR A SUBSTITUTE FOR WHEN YOU CAN’T FIND SOMETHING CLASSIER….LIKE GINUWINE’S RIDE IT (MY PONY)

Featuring.....


(as a small sidenote, I believe this is one of the most homosexual photos ever taken)

Song in question : Come Undone.

This song is a fucking masterpiece. And I mean that with double emphasis. This song is a fucking masterpiece and this song is a fucking masterpiece. Oh snap, I'm a genius! Anyway. Aside from the fact that for the longest time, I thought the girl singing as an accompaniment was saying "cannot believe you're taking my heart to Egypt", this song has always raised my libido about ten notches... Putting me somewhere between Christian Slater and Wilt Chamberlin. There's something about the way the song opens that just lays me out beyond belief. I remember once getting all gussied up while the main squeeze was in the shower, setting candles around the bedroom, and putting this song on, lounging on the bed in some very saucy lingerie. Needless to say, good times were had by all. It's actually one of my favorite sexy memories of me and the main squeeze. Anytime I think about it, it gives me butterflies in a way that makes me feel like a pervert over butterflies. I have a sexy song playlist (available to anyone that's interested in a sexy playlist to try out for themselves!), and it's the first song on there.

Woof.

I'm getting myself into trouble with the butterflies.

If you haven't heard this song (where the fuck have you been?), take a listen and then go hump. It'll be the best time you have. EVER.